Dynasty Warriors College 2
by coconut13
Summary: What the *bleep* did they just sign up for? Spring semester, that's what. A continuation of the original smash hit...  yeah right.
1. Don't You Forget About Me

Okay this is gonna be another long one. Christmas is over, now it's January and the Spring semester of this NEVER-ENDING YEAR FROM HELL has begun. If you don't remember what happened, go read it again! :)

* * *

><p>Ling Tong dropped the last of his bags onto the floor of his new renovated suite, looking annoyed. "It feels like we just left," he moaned, "and now we're back! And I'm still stuck here, living with this idiot!"<p>

"Yeah me too," Gan Ning complained, "new year my ass, I'm in the same damn rut! And I'm still stuck living with you!"

"Glad to hear we can commiserate then," Ling Tong grumbled.

"We can commiserate later," said Gan Ning suddenly, noticing the man in a hard hat in the corner of the room, "hey, you! What the hell are you doing in here?"

"I live here, you—"

Gan Ning cut Ling Tong off. "Not you, dumbass! I'm talking about HIM!"

"It is very rude to point," complained the man in the hard hat, "I have feelings, you know!"

"Then walk your feelings out the damn front door along with the rest of ya!" Gan Ning complained, "beat it!"

"Not until I'm done with my work! Your dorm was one of the most complicated ones here, and we're still at work! I'm here to perform emergency further construction!" The man grinned, patting his sledgehammer fondly.

"I'll tell you what you can do with that sledgehammer," Gan Ning began, but Ling Tong shoved him aside to shut him up.

"Don't antagonize the man with the sledgehammer, dumbass. What do you mean further construction?" Ling Tong asked suspiciously.

"Glad you asked," the man replied cheerfully, sauntering over towards a wall and raising his sledgehammer. "HI-YAH!"

The wall separating LT/GN's dorm from the dorm adjacent to it crumbled beneath the mighty blow, and Ling Tong and Gan Ning stared, mouths agape, as the dust cleared, revealing…

"Hey, guys!" said Sun Ce cheerfully, waving. "Looks like we're all living together now!"

Ling Tong and Gan Ning exchanged glances. Oh great.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Da, it's me, what the hell is going on, where are you guys? The RA's been pestering me about 'three empty rooms' and I keep telling her you guys are coming, but she said you're not on the list! Call me back when you get this, I'm going to try Xiao's phone now!"<p>

Sun Shang Xiang sighed, staring at the screen of her phone as if that would make someone call her any faster. The RA drummed her fingers impatiently on the clipboard she was holding, and Sun Shang Xiang looked at her pleadingly.

"Please, can I get an extension or something? We've lived together for the past two years, Xiao's accident-happy, maybe something happened!"

The RA just groaned. "You've got until tomorrow. I've got girls camping on the floor waiting for space to live, these stupid renovations didn't get finished in time for classes to start back up again and why am I standing here talking to you?" She stomped off, grumbling under her breath.

Sun Shang Xiang looked down at her screen hopefully and sighed. No luck.

* * *

><p>"All I'm going to say here is WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE!" Gan Ning shouted, looking enraged, "the fuck is going on! I don't wanna live with you two fucking idiots!"<p>

"We're not fucking!" Sun Ce complained, missing the point entirely, while Zhou Yu set his book down and grabbed Gan Ning by the front of his shirt.

"Listen here, greaseball, I'm no more pleased about these arrangements than you are. But if you're going to stand there and bellow like a chimp let loose from its cave, I would like to suggest you BACK YOUR SHIT DOWN. Got it? Or we're going to have a problem. Because if I can't read my books, I get angry. And when I get angry, my hair frizzes. And you won't like me when my hair frizzes. GOT IT?"

Gan Ning nodded, looking a bit too caught off-guard to react any other way. Impressed, Ling Tong turned to Sun Ce. "I've only seen him that pissed when it's Dr. Zhuge related," he commented.

Zhou Yu turned towards Ling Tong, eye twitching. "Do not say that name under this roof!"

"Yeah, might wanna watch it buddy," Sun Ce agreed, "he starts spasming, then his eye'll twitch, then he's all _DON'T SAY THE NAAAAAAAAME_, it's actually kinda funny… pretty cheap fun, all you gotta do is say ~DR. ZHUGE~!"

Zhou Yu reacted predictably. "DON'T SAY THE NAME!"

"What name?"

"DR. ZHUGE!"

"Oh, that name!"

"AARGH!"

"And here I thought Sun Ce would be the unbearable one," Ling Tong groaned. "Is that your phone buzzing?"

"Probably," said Gan Ning, checking, "some lonely girl who can't stand to be away from my—oi, it's _Nene_! The fuck she want!" Realizing he answered his own question, he grinned and pocketed his phone. "I'll let it go to voice mail, make her beg for it," he decided, "think I might go for a walk… see you losers!" And he sauntered off, chest out not unlike the alpha male of a pride of lions.

Sun Ce groaned. "Is he the only one here getting laid? I suck."

"You should say that a bit louder, might help you get laid," Ling Tong offered, smirking. Then he thanked his time-honed reflexes when he ducked Sun Ce's punch. Even light-hearted, Sun Ce's punches were strong. Didn't hurt that the guy had biceps with the same circumference as Ling Tong's head.

"What are you smirking about?" Sun Ce asked Zhou Yu, noticing suddenly.

"I wouldn't tar all the occupants of this house with the same brush, my friend," said Zhou Yu smugly, "it just so happens…"

"YOU GOT LAID!" Sun Ce yelped, looking incredulous, "holy shit in the stars, how the hell did you manage that!"

"Whoa, Yu," said Ling Tong, wide-eyed, "I dunno whether to think you robbed the bank or you got lucky! Was she deaf? Blind? Desperate? All of the above?"

"NO!" Zhou Yu snapped, looking annoyed, "and had I known this immature response would be the way you two would react, I probably wouldn't have said anything!"

"You didn't say anything, Sun Ce read your mind," Ling Tong pointed out.

"Was it with a woman?" Sun Ce asked, wide-eyed, "I mean, I know about your little _problem_, you can talk about it, we're among friends!"

Zhou Yu chose to ignore that. "We enjoyed a lovely dinner and went to see the symphony. Then once it was over, she pulled me into the ladies' room and we went at it like rabid animals. It was most enjoyable."

"It was _most enjoyable_?" Ling Tong repeated, "did that kind of raunchy arousing foreplay get you a round two?"

"You may mock me all you wish," Zhou Yu sniffed, "but I'm the one getting laid, not you. If you'll excuse me."

"Who was it?" Sun Ce asked curiously, "your girlfriend who lives in Canada?"

"Not her!" said Zhou Yu impatiently, "forget I said anything, you don't know who she is!"

"You're such a pain in the ass," Sun Ce complained, "who was it? If you're being so secretive about it, it must be someone good! Who was it!"

"I'm not saying!"

"It was probably a man," said Sun Ce, winking exaggeratedly at Ling Tong. Ling Tong just sighed. If anyone had a talent for getting Zhou Yu's goat it was Sun Ce, but in all honesty Ling Tong didn't much care who Zhou Yu was sleeping with. It was kind of like imagining a very boring stuffy person having very boring stuffy sex. Not all that exciting.

"Wait a minute, I know who it was!" Sun Ce said suddenly, looking outraged, "you better not have touched my sister!"

"Why in the world would I want to sleep with your sister?" Zhou Yu asked, looking exasperated. "No offense," he added quickly, glancing over at Ling Tong, who had raised his eyebrows in response. "Calm the hell down, Ce, you're acting like a spaz again."

"I am not! Just making sure you're not touching my baby sister, unlike _some people_," Sun Ce grumbled, glaring at Ling Tong, who grinned sheepishly.

"Well it's not her," said Zhou Yu firmly, "Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, thank you."

Ling Tong's eyes grew very wide. "Seriously? Did Sun Ce punch you too?"

"She needed a rebound from you," Zhou Yu explained. "Christmas, the cold of winter, tis the season, the only guy in the house she's not related to, you know how it goes."

"I guess," said Ling Tong, "so does this mean she's not still mad at me? And did Ce go deaf or something? Why hasn't he hit you yet?"

"I already know," Sun Ce grumbled, "Me and Quan found out and put the Christmas kibosh on _that_ little… operation!" He flailed his hands about and made a disgusted face, as if the idea of his best friend and his sister disgusted him (if you'll recall from the last series, the idea DOES disgust him).

"Wait," he said suddenly, "so if you're getting tail now, and Shang Xiang's not still mad at Tong… DOES THIS MEAN YOU _DID_ SLEEP WITH MY SISTER!"

"No! I didn't, I swear on my hair I didn't—" These protests appeared to be futile, as Sun Ce leapt through the air lunging for Zhou Yu anyway. Zhou Yu panicked. "Her name is Ginchiyo! Ginchiyo Tachibana, we met at flute practice!"

Sun Ce froze in mid-air and resumed a normal stance. "Oh. Well that's okay then—wait, Ginchiyo as in Ling Tong's boss Ginchiyo!"

"I suppose, and don't tell me you have over-protective brotherly feelings towards her as well," Zhou Yu grumbled.

"I don't, just wondering how you managed to wedge your sausage into that freezer," Sun Ce said, grinning at Ling Tong, "right, Tong?"

"Thanks for those audio visuals I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FORGET," said Ling Tong loudly, "and I guess. I should've tried that a long time ago," he added thoughtfully, "I could use a promotion…"

* * *

><p>"<em>I'M A COWBOY, ON A STEEL HORSE I RIDE… I'M WANTED, I'M WANTED… DEAD OR ALIVE!<em>"

Ma Chao jumped, fumbling in his pockets and trying to dig up his phone as Bon Jovi rang through the library, promptly pissing off everyone close enough to hear it. He recognized the caller ID immediately and felt himself pale. Oh no.

Still, he had no choice. He inhaled deeply and answered the phone. "Hello?"

The voice was a whisper, more like a hiss actually. "_Where's the pot_?"

Ma Chao gulped, but before he could squeak out an answer he noticed the call had been disconnected. He clamped his phone closed, worried someone would be reading over his shoulder or something. He couldn't have anyone else know about his mission!

Still, he never knew three words could shock him to the core so easily. President Pang was probably at a loss as to why he hadn't scored him any marijuana! Well, yeah, they'd just gotten back to school, but… how was he supposed to curb the misconduct in this school if he, the _superhero, _didn't come through! WHAT KIND OF HERO OF JUSTICE WAS HE!

Then suddenly he felt hands covering his eyes, and he panicked. "JUSTICE IS BLIND!" he howled, flailing.

Oh wait. Those were not the hands of evil trying to cloak the eyes of justice, that was just his girlfriend, and she was looking at him like he was crazy again. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Xing Cai! Hey! You, uh, scared me there."

Xing Cai looked at him blankly, her eyes round. "Are you okay?" she asked, frowning.

"I'm fine!" said Ma Chao immediately, aware it sounded like he was _lying_.

Xing Cai did not look convinced. "You're awfully jumpy for someone who's fine," she said, "were you up late last night watching those crime shows? I know _I Almost Got Away With It_ freaks you out!"

"It does not freak me out, it fills me with righteous fury that the incompetence of people who call themselves policemen almost let these scumbags get away with their heinous crimes!" Ma Chao said through gritted teeth.

"Calm down, calm down," said Xing Cai quickly, putting her arms around Ma Chao and stroking his hair, "don't worry, they're in jail now and that's all that counts, right?"

Actually, what was really freaking Ma Chao out was the fact that every time he closed his eyes he watched that poor kid _dying_ again in slow-motion, and he was beginning to have nightmares that someday when he was locked up for MURDER he'd be featured on _I Almost Got Away With It._

"_21-year-old Ma Chao, college student, was on top of the entire world when he denied a young man access to medical marijuana! Chao was on some sort of mad justice kick at the time, believing himself to be doing something right, when his boneheaded behavior was actually causing this young man's life to tick away right before his very eyes! Perhaps if Chao hadn't been such a pigheaded ass he might have—"_

"CHAO?" Xing Cai asked loudly, waving her hand in his face, "Chao, what's wrong with you! I'm taking you to the nurse, you're clammy!"

"I don't need to see a nurse!" Ma Chao yelped, mistaking 'nurse' for 'polygraph test', "I'm just—under a lot of stress! That's all!"

Xing Cai looked skeptic at best. Then she smiled and climbed up on his lap, putting her arms around his neck again and pulling his head down into her busom. "You're such a man of conviction, this is why I love you so much~" she cooed, leaning her cheek in his hair, closing her eyes and waiting for her boyfriend to tell her he loved her just as much as she loved him, and they'd be together forever and have at least four eco-friendly justice babies, and—

Wait a minute, he wasn't saying anything.

Maybe he was just shy~

His face is in my boobs, he has NEVER ONCE had to feign interest in my breasts before! Fury rose up inside Xing Cai and she twisted her fingers through Ma Chao's hair to pull his face up.

"Ouch," Ma Chao whined.

"I said I love you!" said Xing Cai, scowling, "what the hell is wrong with you, Ma Chao, you've never once had to feign interest in my cleavage!"

The color promptly drained from Ma Chao's face, and for a second there Xing Cai was afraid he was going to break up with her. The scowl fell right off her face and she reached for him again, terrified to have ever doubted him—"Chao, I'm sorry, I know you're under a lot of stress right now! Just don't look at me like that!"

Ma Chao responded to this in the following way. He turned on his heel and proceeded to start running for his life, screaming for his best friend. "ZHAO YU UU UU—"

The door slammed shut behind him, but he was still running across campus screaming for a man. Xing Cai sighed and rubbed her temples. Taylor Swift's library of music never covered _this_!

* * *

><p>"YUUUUUU—"<p>

Zhao Yun sighed and closed his book, rubbing his temples. 3, 2, 1…

"—UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN," Ma Chao screamed, bursting through the door and leaping onto the couch next to Zhao Yun, curling up in the other man's lap and clamping his hands over his head, looking like the definition of traumatized.

Zhao Yun let his best friend get comfortable in his lap (shut up, fangirls) and decided to wait until he stopped trembling before speaking. "What is it, Chao? Did you kill someone else in some misguided attempt at being a man of justice? …are you CRYING?"

"No!" complained Ma Chao, sitting up and scrubbing his face with his hands, "Xing Cai told me she loves me! It's _horrible_!"

"Not quite what I would call it," said Zhao Yun dryly, "what has you so freaked out, Chao? It's a good thing when beautiful women look past your various—ah, _issues _—and love you for who you are!"

"What issues?" Ma Chao asked, glaring at Zhao Yun over his hands.

Zhao Yun offered Ma Chao a winning smile. "We each have our idiosyncrasies," he offered.

"That better not be you calling me dumb," Ma Chao grumbled, sitting up so he was still in Zhao Yun's lap, "what the hell am I supposed to do, Yun!"

"Crawling into a man's lap wouldn't be my suggestion," Zhao Yun commented, "is this about that boy who died thanks to your neglectful homicide, Chao? For the love of God, he's _dead_, he's not going to tell anyone!"

"But what if someone finds out I killed him!" Ma Chao demanded, "what if I tell Xing Cai I love her and we have so much sex as a result she gets pregnant with my SPERM OF JUSTICE—"

"Never say that again," Zhao Yun interrupted.

"Noted—but what if our dreams are tragically cut short by my lapse of good judgment! I have blood all over my hands! Blood so permanent living a lifetime of justice will not avenge the death of the boy whose life I callously tossed aside into the wind! Like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, never to start again! Like a lightning bolt, his heart will not—"

"You're quoting a Katy Perry song! Ma Chao calm down!" said Zhao Yun frantically.

Ma Chao looked confused. "Katy Perry? Sun Ce told me that! It's Sun Family philosophy!"

Zhao Yun decided to just go along with this, and he nodded firmly. "You're absolutely right. But as for the problem at hand, have you told Xing Cai about this? I'm sure she'll understand!"

Ma Chao gave Zhao Yun a pitying look of such magnitude Zhao Yun immediately regretted speaking. "All right, so you're screwed. But what do you expect me to do about it, Chao? If she loves you then she'll accept it! God knows she hasn't done some crazy things trying to _save the world_!"

"There _was_ that time she asked Guan Ping to stand in front of the bulldozers," Ma Chao said thoughtfully, "but this is different! I killed someone, I'll go to jail for sure!"

"I suppose," said Zhao Yun, "why can't you call your father and have him make someone disappear?"

"I'd have to wait for a witness to emerge first," Ma Chao answered, "I will seek out Xing Cai and tell her the truth!"

Zhao Yun nodded. What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

><p>"Tong," greeted Zhou Yu, barely glancing up from his book.<p>

"What have I told you about containing your enthusiasm for seeing me in public, Yu?" Ling Tong asked, rolling his eyes, "seriously, it's embarrassing me."

Zhou Yu sighed, closing the textbook he was reading. "All right, you have my full attention. What is it?"

Ling Tong shrugged. "Ah, I didn't have much to say to you anyway… why're you camped out here? You in this class too?"

Zhou Yu looked like he was trying very hard to resist the urge to roll his eyes. "No, Tong, I'm sitting out here reading the required text for the class for fun."

"Hey, with you I never know," Ling Tong said defensively, "did they announce a professor yet?"

"They hadn't when I last checked approximately 30 seconds ago," said Zhou Yu thoughtfully, pushing his reading glasses up his nose, "so help me if I'm trapped with that awful Zhuge man again, I'll—"

"As much as I'd like to hear the colorful, intellectual uses for profanity I think it's time to get in there, auditorium looks open," said Ling Tong, cupping his eyes with his hands and peering inside the window, "uhhh Yu?"

"What?"

"Bad news," Ling Tong said with a sigh.

Zhou Yu paled. "What do you mean by that!"

"As in, the professor's name is written on the board and it's—"

"DON'T SAY IT!" Zhou Yu screeched, looking horrified, "DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THAT MAN!"

"Can you not yell that so loud? People are gonna get the wrong idea about you and me," said Ling Tong, looking around nervously.

"EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES I SEE HIM SMIRKING AT ME," howled Zhou Yu, oblivious to all, "CURSE THAT INSUFFERABLE ZHUGE LIANG!"

"Oh, hey, Toshiie," greeted Ling Tong, completely ignoring Zhou Yu and all his angst.

"Do I know you?" Toshiie asked curiously.

"Yeah, we were both potential Okuni baby daddies, remember chapter 13?"

"Oh, right." Toshiie nodded. "I usually forget everything from semester to semester."

"You and everyone else," Ling Tong agreed. "How did you get into this class anyway?"

"What do you mean?" Toshiie asked, looking confused.

"Well, you're, um…"

"Lacking in greater intellectual prowess," Zhou Yu offered.

Toshiie scowled. "I don't know what you two are suggesting—"

"I'm not suggesting anything, I'm saying you're an idiot and I have no idea how you qualified for this class," Zhou Yu interrupted, looking like he was going to explode again.

"Seriously," Ling Tong added. "Is there like an 'obligational fanservice' quota I don't know about?"

Toshiie shrugged. "Dr. Zhuge doesn't hate me? I'm an underestimated genius? The author is insanely biased towards me and is pulling strings to fit me into as many scenes as humanly possible?"

"Yeah, and I'm a flamingo," Ling Tong commented, "does Dr. Zhuge hate me by association? I should stop talking to you."

"Be still, my heart," answered Zhou Yu, his brows still knitted into a V shape as he went back to his book (except he was gripping it so tightly his knuckles were turning white).

"Why are you even in this class? You're the guy who thought ice was a food group," Ling Tong pointed out, resuming picking on Toshiie. "At least Keiji's kind of smart, you're just…"

"A blithering idiot," Zhou Yu offered.

Toshiie looked annoyed. "Y'know, I could probably kill you both with my arms tied behind my back, but I think I'm going to demonstrate my _intellectual prowess _and take the high road. You two know that your sarcasm hurts? Why the hell do you treat me—a complete stranger aside from chapter 13!—this way!"

"Amusing reactions?" Ling Tong offered, when the swish of academic robes could be heard from even down the hall, and Zhuge Liang himself walked towards the waiting class, graduate students tossing flower petals behind him.

"I'll see you all at 11:05," Dr. Zhuge said to the graduate students, "do not be late or I will be forced to replace you." The graduate students nodded hurriedly and ran off, one of them beginning to sing a song called 'Dr. Zhuge Is the Greatest~'.

The grimace on Zhou Yu's face wasn't doing much for his handsome features.

* * *

><p>Sun Shang Xiang wasn't totally sure how long she'd been sitting on this bench. Maybe twenty minutes, maybe an hour. She checked the screen of her phone and groaned. No new messages, and she'd been here for three hours.<p>

Safe to say her empty dorm wasn't going to be empty for much longer.

She was so lost in her thoughts (and pity) that she didn't notice someone sneaking up behind her, and when he nudged her in the back with his foot she screamed.

"Fucking hell, Ning!" she managed, mostly relieved it was him and not someone menacing. "Why can't you just say hello like a normal person!"

"The hell's up with you?" Gan Ning asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Wait, forgot, don't care. Got any food?"

"I don't have anything, I haven't gone grocery shopping yet," Sun Shang Xiang answered, scowling.

Gan Ning eyed her for a long moment, watching as she rested her chin atop her knees and continued to look unhappy. He'd known Sun Shang Xiang since she was ten years old, he knew very well when she was in one of her ~moods~, but she seemed more sad than pissy at the moment. He considered asking her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell him anyway, it'd be a waste of his damn breath. His stomach growling gave him a sudden idea, and he had to stop himself from praising his own brilliance right then and there!

"All right then," said Gan Ning, grabbing her arm and pulling to her feet, "come on, move it, we're getting something to eat! I'm buying!"

Sun Shang Xiang looked surprised. "What?"

"You heard me," Gan Ning answered, tugging her along, "you're not going to sit around all day feeling sorry for yourself when I'm standing here wasting away! Let's go!"

Sun Shang Xiang nodded, still looking extremely surprised. Gan Ning felt his phone buzzing in his pocket once more, and chose to ignore it. He did, however, have at least one pressing question… "Hey, you got any money? I left my wallet at home."

* * *

><p>"Class, hello," Dr. Zhuge greeted, "welcome to Advanced Astrophysical Calculus 689. As most of you know, yesterday was the last day to drop the class, so let's begin with your names…"<p>

Ling Tong was grateful to see that his eyes weren't the only ones widening at _that_, and there was a flutter as people scrambled for their schedules to see _what the fuck they signed up for_.

Dr. Zhuge coughed. "That was a joke," he said dryly, "although I suppose my grade of humor is a bit above the standard for you simpletons.

Toshiie leaned over. "I think he's making fun of us," he hissed.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. Well, good to know he still had a shot at the grade curve.

Dr. Zhuge glared at them all over the syllabus before continuing. "I've decided to do something different this semester. Your entire grade will be based on a single-question oral final exam…"

"…Last semester's class is just about halfway finished with their class projects…"

"…It is recommended that you bring a sack lunch to exams. Please do not bring anything that is in an open container, grape jelly stains will break the Scantron machine…"

"…The number I have written on the board is the number for the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I would recommend writing it down, and perhaps utilizing the speed dial option on your phones if your cellular device has the ability to do so."

Everyone was, as expected, scared shitless. One kid looked like he'd have dialed the Suicide Prevention Hotline fifteen minutes ago had Dr. Zhuge not prohibited cell phone use. Now Dr. Zhuge was going through the class roster, eying each student as if he was reading their mind to try and determine how best to psychologically destroy them from the inside (he was).

"Well if it isn't my favorite student, Mr. Zhou," said Dr. Zhuge, smiling at Zhou Yu. "I admire your persistence, Zhou Yu, one would think after your parade of mediocre grades last semester you would find a course of study much better suited for you."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Zhou Yu asked loudly, his eye twitching in the way that meant DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, "is a professor at a third-rate university really criticizing my intellect? Well, I'll have you know, in another year I'll graduate and never set foot in this dump again! But this is your life! You hear me? YOUR LIFE! You wake up every morning and THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO!"

The class had gotten very quiet. Ling Tong and Toshiie exchanged glances before Ling Tong looked away in a quick hurry, worried stupidity could transmit through eye contact.

Dr. Zhuge raised an eyebrow. "I see," he said, "well, now that you're finished having an episode, Mr. Zhou, I think it's time we proceed with our lesson. Unless of course you have any more non sequiturs to add…"

And Zhou Yu's rage grew three times that day.

* * *

><p>"You have to stop eating so much on other people's dime," Sun Shang Xiang grumbled, shoving Gan Ning in mock-annoyance.<p>

"I offered to pay!" Gan Ning pointed out.

"A real sweet offer when you forget your wallet!"

"Yeah, but it's the thought that counts, right?" He grinned, which made her laugh.

"Fine, you win," said Sun Shang Xiang, shaking her head, "but it's not gonna happen again!"

"Right," Gan Ning agreed, "so what the hell has you so down? If you were any more down they would call it a syndrome."

Sun Shang Xiang was quiet for a few minutes, and Gan Ning was beginning to think she was going to be a _girl_ and act like she hadn't heard him when she spoke up. "Da and Xiao… kind of blindsided me," she said finally. "You know how Da broke up with my brother? Apparently she wants a clean detox, and that means she doesn't want me around either."

Gan Ning looked surprised. "She said that? Damn little pixie's got a mouth on her, huh?"

"Not in so many words, but that's what she _meant_, anyway," Sun Shang Xiang answered, laughing bitterly.

"So you get the place to yourself?" Gan Ning asked, "s'not so bad, right?"

"Hardly! With Da and Xiao gone, my RA said she's going to assign people to my dorm by midnight," said Sun Shang Xiang, making a face. "Ah well, they won't be fighting over who gets to bone my brother, right? Little blessings!"

"That's the way to think about it," said Gan Ning, stretching.

"Yeah, maybe I'll land three girls you haven't slept with," Sun Shang Xiang agreed, "I'm seriously worried about this! I don't want to live with three bitches!"

"You could come crash with us for a while," Gan Ning offered, "s'kind of a sausage fest as it is, I don't like sharing my damn toilet with 3 other guys and you're less girly than Zhou Yu is."

Sun Shang Xiang managed a laugh. "Thanks, but no thanks. I think it'd be kind of awkward."

Gan Ning nodded knowledgably. "Still haven't spoken to Tong, I take it?"

"Well, that and Zhou Yu's kind of afraid to be in the same room with me as of late—is it that obvious?"

"Well you didn't hyperventilate at the idea of shacking up with us, so yeah, I figured something was still up," Gan Ning replied, "c'mon, spill. The hell you avoiding him for? He got totally blindsided when his pop told him they weren't invited to your place for Christmas."

"I didn't trust my stupid brothers around him," Sun Shang Xiang admitted, "Christmas was pretty bad over at my place too. Daddy tried, but Ce's been so down in the dumps since breaking up with Da I don't think he left his room once except to go to the gym and eat. Quan didn't shut up about his new girlfriend or whatever, and I really didn't want to hear it."

Gan Ning nodded. "Glad I forced my company on the Lings instead of you guys then," he said cheerfully.

Sun Shang Xiang scowled.

"Come on, don't give me that," said Gan Ning seriously, "look, if you're still hung up over Tong, ya think he's going to change his mind about anything if you're not around? Go back to being the loyal best buddy you used to be. Eventually he'll pull his head out of his ass, and if when his head finally does come out of his ass, if he still doesn't like you that way then you can feel free to move the hell on, there's other fish in the sea!"

Gan Ning had never been more proud of something that had come out of his mouth (and yes, that included VomitFest!). But Sun Shang Xiang was uncharacteristically quiet again, making him think he'd made an asshat of himself and said something stupid. "Shang Xiang?"

Sun Shang Xiang smiled sweetly at him in response. "You're right," she said cheerfully, "sometimes you know just what to say, and I know this isn't your favorite subject in the world to talk about!"

Gan Ning just shrugged. "If it makes shit stop being so awkward, it's worth every word," he told her, "you gonna go to talk to him?"

"Maybe later, I'm all sweaty and gross," said Sun Shang Xiang, looking down at herself. Then she seemed to catch herself. "Except he's my best friend so he doesn't care about stuff like that!"

"There you go," said Gan Ning cheerfully.

Sun Shang Xiang grinned, and after a moment of thought threw her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. Gan Ning blinked, not expecting that one bit, but found himself putting his own arms around her. The hug ended far too quickly for his liking, and when she headed off towards her dorm, she stopped to wave with a sweet smile. Gan Ning realized there was something fuzzy in his stomach, and it wasn't his lunch.

* * *

><p>Uh oh.<p>

Da Qiao hugged her new book to her chest as she left the library. Nothing like a good book to help her forget how absolutely heartbroken she still was, but lest she begin to sound like a girl in a country song who will not be named, she had scheduled herself for 18 credits this semester to stay as busy as possible. There was no way she'd even have time to think about Sun Ce with her new workload, right?

Until of course she was so lost in thought trying to avoid thinking about Sun Ce that she walked right into him (not knowing that Sun Ce had been following her all day and walked into her on purpose). Of course she didn't realize _who_ she had bumped into, and all she knew was that she'd just knocked an innocent person to the ground.

"Are you okay! I'm so sorry, I should look where I'm going—YOU!" Da Qiao cried, as Sun Ce looked up and grinned at her.

"Fancy running into you, huh?" Sun Ce asked, laughing at his own pun.

Da Qiao frowned. "Have you been following me?" she demanded.

"Da Qiao! I can't believe you'd really accuse me of setting foot in a _library_," said Sun Ce, shuddering.

Da Qiao sighed. This was true.

"I've been hiding in… that plant for the last two hours," he continued, pointing at an innocent palm.

"CE!" Da Qiao said, looking shocked.

"I know, I know, it was risky. But other than the janitor giving me a funny look, nobody knew I was there, so you don't have to worry about me getting in trouble on your behalf," said Sun Ce proudly. "What's the matter, babe? You don't look too happy to see me."

"I'm not your _babe_," Da Qiao huffed, ignoring the heart palpitations she was getting from being so close to Sun Ce after so long. "And I can't believe you've been following me!"

"You're a smart woman, _babe_," Sun Ce answered, "you can believe it, it makes perfect sense. You can ignore my phone calls all you want—"

"All 1030 of them," Da Qiao added under her breath.

"But unless you file a restraining order, you can't keep me away," Sun Ce finished. Then he paused. "Don't take out a restraining order! I was kidding!"

"Ce, go find yourself a new girl and forget about me already, this isn't healthy for either of us! Detox!"

"I dunno what that is and I won't respond to it," Sun Ce replied promptly, "all right, fine, I'll let you go this time. But next time we run into each other, it's not going to… go do

"I already told you," Da Qiao began haughtily, but Sun Ce cut her off.

"Nope. You had your say, now I'm going to get mine," Sun Ce interrupted, "how could you just break up with me like that? I don't get a say about things? You couldn't just tell me what the heck was bugging you so much?"

The bravado was gone and he looked so hurt it made Da Qiao want to cry with guilt, but she was still angry he'd ambushed her. "I have to go to class," she said abruptly, brushing past him and trying to hold back tears.

"I'll walk you there," Sun Ce answered, "lead the way!"

"All right, you can go," said Da Qiao, voice tense.

Sun Ce wasn't paying attention, looking at something on his phone. "You say something?" he asked, looking up at her.

"You're following me! Go to your own class," Da Qiao complained.

Sun Ce raised an eyebrow. "I haven't been following you for the past five minutes! I'm going to my own class… which is apparently in here."

Da Qiao looked horrified. "Financial Accounting!" she demanded.

"Yeah, remember, we signed up for it together," said Sun Ce, unable to keep the smug smirk off his face.

Da Qiao groaned as she opened the door (Sun Ce caught it as she tried to close it on him), resigned to her fate. And as fate would have it, of course there was only two stupid seats in the back of the room! Right next to each other, sharing a table!

She tried not to sigh too loudly as Sun Ce grabbed a chair and pulled it out for her, always the perfect gentleman. Either the fates were laughing at her or they really shipped Sun Ce/Da Qiao.

* * *

><p>"FUCK ME WITH A CHAINSAW," Ling Tong bellowed upon arrival back to his dorm.<p>

"Isn't that a lovely sentiment," Gan Ning scoffed, "what crawled up your ass and died?"

"Nothing that should surprise me by now," Ling Tong admitted, sitting down on the couch, putting his feet open and scowling at the TV. "Why are you home? Did you skip class?"

Gan Ning looked alarmed for a moment. His face scrunched up, an obvious sign that he was lying about something and was now trying to think of a way to cover his ass. "Tong, Tong, Tong. Every time you open your mouth you prove how dumb ya really are, y'know that? Nobody goes to class on the first day!" Gan Ning smirked, proud of his brilliance.

"Really? Because I could've sworn there was this little rule that said anyone who doesn't show up on the first day of class gets dropped from the class," Ling Tong answered.

Gan Ning swore loudly and scrambled to his feet, sprinting out of the room.

"Registration offices close at 3PM, you're out of luck," Ling Tong called after him. He shrugged to himself. Gan Ning was obviously lying, but then again this was the guy who couldn't properly tie his shoelaces.

* * *

><p>"Psst."<p>

Da Qiao ignored her ex-boyfriend for the hundredth time. Class was for learning, and she would not jeopardize her education for a silly game of Tic-Tac-Toe! Sun Ce was such a distraction, she didn't know why she ever agreed to take a course with him in the first place!

Sun Ce scowled, able to tell when he was being ignored. He pulled his notebook back towards him and leaned back in his chair as far as gravity permitted, gnawing on his eraser. Da Qiao was studiously copying everything down, so he wasn't too concerned about missing the notes. He didn't understand a word of this anyway, he was only taking this to satisfy his Finance requirements, and once he and Da Qiao got back together he could just borrow her notes or something.

The sight of her long shapely legs neatly tucked beneath her seat was making his heart pang with longing, as obnoxious as that sounded. It was also kind of giving him an erection, but he wasn't going to get into that right now. Nope. No sir.

He missed her so damn much it felt like his gut was in a vice grip or something, like the time his brother Quan punched him in the stomach so hard he had to puke for six hours straight. And he hated that feeling, and it was just from smelling her perfume! This was going to be a long semester.

They were both sharing a desk, it looked like the professor was so lost in her lecture (something about assets subtracted from liabilities to equal capital) that she wouldn't even notice what anyone else was doing. Why not, he figured, as he reached over underneath the table and rested his hand atop Da Qiao's left thigh.

Da Qiao gasped, and her gasp of surprise had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the capital listed on the board did not equal the appropriate assets and liabilities. She shoved Sun Ce's hand away and turned to glare at him, her eyes flashing dangerously.

"You stop that right now!" she whispered.

Sun Ce raised an eyebrow. "No talking in class," he reminded her, eyeing her pointedly. Da Qiao frowned and went back to paying attention, hastily scratching out her incorrect balance and replacing it with the correct one. Sun Ce was pleased to see she was at least flustered, but he wasn't going to give up that easily! The wisdom of Xiao Qiao—a thought he never thought he would have, but that was kind of the pot calling the kettle black at its finest—had never sounded better.

He was lost in thought, idly taking his pen apart, and when the professor loudly cleared her throat to awaken those who had fallen asleep during her lecture (while Da Qiao tsk'd in disapproval, of course), Sun Ce jumped, and the sudden movement sent the pen parts flying, accidentally showering Da Qiao with them.

"CE!" Da Qiao shouted, looking enraged. Sun Ce offered her a sheepish grin and when she just huffed and went back to work, he slid out of his chair to collect the pieces of his martyred pen, but not before planting a quick kiss to the underside of her thigh.

Da Qiao gasped—this time less surprise and more a breathy sigh, much to Sun Ce's glee—and reached below, grabbing a handful of his thick shaggy hair and jerking his head away. "You are such a pervert!" she hissed.

Sun Ce sighed, getting back into his seat and looking at the disassembled pen parts, as if they were somehow responsible for Da Qiao being angry at him. He swept the pieces into his backpack and resumed his usual class-time activity, propping up his textbook and catching up on Top Chef reruns on his phone.

If he knew Da Qiao (and he did), he paid just enough attention to her to get her so worked up she'd want to make out for an hour. Let no one say Sun Ce didn't know how to strategize!

* * *

><p>"I'M COMING!" Gan Ning bellowed in response to the incessant banging on the front door, "god damn you, I'm gonna fucking bash you over the head with your own damn face if you don't FUCKING STOP!" He opened the door and was met with the sound of a shotgun being loaded, currently aimed between his eyes.<p>

"Uhh—"

"So we meet again!" said Lu Xun triumphantly, smirking from ear to ear, "thank you for inviting us inside!"

Gan Ning was tempted to say about 80 things, 79 of them foul and profane (number 80 was 'I DIDN'T', in case you're wondering), but with the barrel of a 12-gauge giving him an unpleasant unibrow he really had no choice. Biting down on his lip to keep from exploding with profanity, he shuffled out of the way. Lu Xun propped the shotgun against his shoulder and walked inside, followed by…

"YOU!" Gan Ning shouted, recognizing Guan Ping.

"Me!" squealed Guan Ping, looking like he wanted to throw his arms around Gan Ning's neck, "Master! You remembered me!"

"I am not your fucking MASTER, you—"

"You're right, actually," said Lu Xun, "you're neither his master nor mine. Allow me to explain on terms you might understand. As of right now, you are our bitch, Gan Ning."

"I'm your WHAT!" Gan Ning shouted.

"Need I repeat myself?" Lu Xun asked. "There is something we want that you have, and I believe my negotiations are fair."

"Negotiations? Negotiations my ass! You've got a damn shotgun!"

"I'm glad you see things my way!" said Lu Xun smoothly, "all right, now that we've secured your cooperation, there is something we need of you."

"What?" Gan Ning asked, surly.

"Pussy."

Gan Ning was so quiet Lu Xun briefly thought he'd blown a fuse in his brain. Then when he finally spoke, his tone was incredulous. "I must've had water in my ear or somethin'. The hell you say?"

"Pu-ss-y," Lu Xun repeated, "as in, the glorious nirvana between a woman's legs, the likes of which myself and my colleague have yet to experience? Get us some. And do it fast."

"We're going to get laid~ we're going to get laid~" Guan Ping sang, looking ecstatic. "I like redheads!"

"I like blondes with a little weight on them," Lu Xun reported pleasantly, "make it happen!"

Hell hath no fury like a Gan Ning scorned.

* * *

><p>Timeline wise, this chapter took place in the span of one day. Go me.<p>

I know Lu Xun is totally OOC but since he really doesn't have much personality to begin with, I ask that you cut me some slack. :P Something in his brain snapped, he's not his normal self, ect.

Even though I do wonder where the stereotype of Lu Xun being a wimp came from… he might be young, but he's not a wimp in the games and he doesn't take anyone's crap either (and he's friends with Gan Ning!). Ah well. I blame fangirls.

Whew! I love being excited about writing again, this is fun!


	2. Be Full, The Joys of Spring Semester

Why does this take me so long? ARGHH

Is it bugging anyone else that is apparently laying siege to all ! ? (remove space) symbols? It is seriously driving me nuts, I use that all the time... I guess is making me get more creative with my writing here and adapt to their dumb formatting rules. Blegh.

Anyway here we go with chapter 2 (and I get to start all over again with chapter 3!)

* * *

><p><em>Picking up directly where ch1 left off…<em>

Sun Ce didn't think he'd ever moved faster in his life (unless food was involved); the professor hadn't dismissed them for five seconds before he'd already stuffed everything every which way into his backpack and made a mad dash for the door, grinning that he'd both survived his first day of accounting (BOOOOOOORING) and that he'd probably not seen the last of Da Qiao. In fact, if he hurried, she might try to chase him down to kill him, which meant he'd get to see her again! He was just full of genius ideas today!

Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and as he turned to see whoever it was, he realized too late who it was; a tiny hand seized the front of his shirt and shoved him up against the wall, and Sun Ce was looking at the infuriated form of his ex-girlfriend, her petite little self swelling with rage.

"YOU," she hissed, and for the life of him all he could do was think she was so beautiful when she was about to rip his throat out, "where the HELL do you get off, doing that kind of crap in class! If you ever do something like that I won't rest until I've killed you! You ass!"

Sun Ce wasn't the type to get hot and bothered over anything, but Da Qiao swearing really had a way of doing it. He smirked, quirking an eyebrow, channeling his inner smartass (hanging with Ling Tong all these years had to amount for SOMETHING, right? RIGHT! Oh how he hoped so) and willing himself to give her a good fight. "Something the matter, baby?"

"Don't you call me that or I'll kick your ass, mister," Da Qiao huffed, balling her free hand up in a fist.

"You don't have the guts for it," said Sun Ce, face splitting in a grin as he eyed Da Qiao's small fist. He knew full well that little fist had the potential to hurt, hurt a LOT (speaking from past experience) but it never hurt to get his girlfriend's goat in whatever way he could~

Da Qiao's face scrunched up in rage. Actually Sun Ce had never seen her so angry before… he was beginning to consider beating a hasty retreat when she lunged at him, her hands seizing hold of his shirt (probably ripping out a few of his chest hairs too) and yanking him towards her.

"You're coming with me," she snarled, and Sun Ce had no choice but to let her pull him along the hallway (otherwise his shirt would rip, and this was his favorite shirt D: ). She shoved him suddenly and Sun Ce didn't realize she was trying to throw him down a flight of stairs until he crashed through the door.

* * *

><p>Lu Xun tapped his chin thoughtfully as he surveyed one of the many courtyards of the campus. "So many women, so little time…"<p>

"Yeah, because they're all really looking to get with _you_, squirt," Gan Ning answered, scowling, "just pick someone so I can move on with my damn life!"

"You don't sound like someone having fun," Lu Xun chided, wagging his finger annoyingly in Gan Ning's face, "You should turn that frown upside down before I have to reacquaint you with a certain friend~"

"His shotgun," Guan Ping whispered helpfully. Gan Ning glared at Guan Ping and Lu Xun in turns, swallowed his pride and continued looking around the courtyard for fresh(and hopefully desperate)meat.

But who the hell in her right mind would be so hard up for a fuck that she'd settle for _Lu Xun _or _Guan Ping_? Their penis sizes were probably two inches combined, and that was Gan Ning being generous. Not to mention they were unbelievably annoying.

"Hey, Ning!"

Gan Ning looked up at the sound of his name, and a familiar busty redhead (or whatever the hell color her hair was at the moment, Gan Ning was unsure and uncaring) came bouncing over, bouncing quite literally. "Hey, Shang Xiang."

"So I got a new roommate," said Sun Shang Xiang, sighing, "and there was a note on my door from my RA promising me two more, too. They're only replacing two girls, why do I need a third roommate too!"

Gan Ning scowled. "You're not living with Zhou Yu, who does calisthenics to _opera music_ at 3AM every damn morning! I don't want to hear it!"

"Yeah but she's weird and she kept talking to me and trying to be my _friend_," Sun Shang Xiang whined.

"Don't care," said Gan Ning, and yelped when there was a particularly sharp jab to his side. "_Ow_!"

"Her," Lu Xun hissed. He jabbed Gan Ning in the side again, his eyes glued to Sun Shang Xiang's breasts. "I want those. I mean, her."

Gan Ning was suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to tear Lu Xun's head off for about the twelfth time since this ordeal of horror began, and it had something to do with the way the little shit's eyes were glued to Sun Shang Xiang's breasts. "Absolutely not," he snarled.

Lu Xun paused. "Oh I'm sorry. I must have confused you with someone who could actually find a woman for me to make love to. My bad. Perhaps I should have found someone else."

"I know what you're doing, you're tryin' to piss me the hell off so I do what you want me to do! Reverse colonoscopy ain't gonna work on me!"

"Oh, really? My new friend Mr. 44 Slug would like to say otherwise! And you mean reverse _psychology_!"

"I mean you can have a nice tall glass of _go screw yourself,_ you stupid ungrateful—"

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Sun Shang Xiang asked loudly.

"We're having a manly discussion!" said Lu Xun, frowning, "for men only!"

"Yeah! Go… go…" Guan Ping looked uncertain as to what women actually _did_, and went with a classic. "Go… make us a sandwich!"

"I'll make you a sandwich you won't soon forget," said Sun Shang Xiang, her eyes burning with rage. Gan Ning mouthed 'please kill them both painfully' at her, but she wasn't looking at him. Not that this bothered him or anything. Because it did not.

"No, please!" begged Lu Xun, clasping his hands together and batting his eyelashes at Sun Shang Xiang in some sad sort of an attempt at peacocking, "my associate did not mean you any offense, we were just so captivated by your beauty, that's all! I just want to get to know you better, is all~"

"You just want her boobies," whispered Guan Ping accusingly.

Gan Ning was mostly hoping Sun Shang Xiang would just kill Lu Xun and Guan Ping already, because this was really just pathetic. These two losers were doomed to die as virgins.

"How can she move so gracefully with those breasts! They're huge!" Lu Xun whispered back, and jabbed Gan Ning again. "Get her phone number! Do it!"

Gan Ning scowled. "I _have_ her phone number, you moron, shut the hell up!"

Sun Shang Xiang crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you two realize that just because you're talking with your hands over your mouths does NOT mean you're whispering? I can hear you!"

"You shouldn't dress in such a provocative fashion if you don't want men to stare," Guan Ping chided. "What would your father say if he could see that much of your breasts?"

"Let me respond to that in the following way," said Sun Shang Xiang, cracking her knuckles. "The same way my daddy taught me how to deal with guys like _you_…"

Somewhere in the dark recess of Gan Ning's gut, the butterflies he'd been trying to stomp had a few hundred babies. He groaned. He was so screwed.

* * *

><p><em>What the hell had just happened<em>?

There was nothing more romantic and natural than the act of making love. So said Bill Compton during episode 7 of the hit HBO series True Blood.

So why did Sun Ce feel so bad? His entire body ached, particularly his head, which he'd whacked against the stairwell railings as Da Qiao shoved him backwards. If the fingernail-shaped lacerations in his shoulders and chest were any indication of what _making love_ to Da Qiao would be like, Sun Ce was pretty sure he'd have to invest in some band-aids over the course of the rest of his life. Then again, she was so angry he thought he should be grateful to be alive, even though he was bound to be sore as hell in the morning.

She'd shoved him down the stairs (while kissing him _and_ trying to rip his clothes off), and when he'd finally landed on his back on the hard floor, she'd pulled her panties down and straddled him, and that was that. Sex with Da Qiao. Not how he'd expected it'd be—for some reason he'd thought she was a candles and lingerie type of gal—but instead she'd held him down and ridden him like some sort of deranged sexy cowgirl. It was awesome and depressing at the same time.

Well maybe she'll be happy now, he thought hopefully, closing his eyes as he felt Da Qiao's fingertips tracing patterns on his bare chest (she'd pulled his shirt up over his head earlier).

About five minutes later, apparently realizing she'd just lost her virginity to her ex-boyfriend in a dirty stairwell in the business department building, Da Qiao began to cry. After Sun Ce had finished jamming all the door closures in the stairwell (so nobody could get in OR out), he'd comforted her until she apparently wanted to have sex again.

And now Sun Ce was lying on his back with Da Qiao on top of him, her head on his chest. One of his hands was stroking her back absentmindedly, while his other hand played with her hair, twirling a piece of her dark brown locks around his finger. Neither of them had said a word (well, Sun Ce had yelled 'OH, FUCK' for several reasons, but that didn't count) since they'd toppled into this stairwell.

Probably was a good idea to say something. _Anything_. Except he was kind of at a loss. What the hell do you say when your ex-girlfriend (who broke up with you because she felt she was too much of a prude for a serious relationship at the moment) suddenly pushes you down a flight of stairs and has her way with your poor defenseless body? Was there a precedent to this?

Sun Ce racked his mind (and it was a short rack) for something, anything to say to his probably still ex-girlfriend, when he heard the distinctive sound of snore. Da Qiao had fallen asleep.

Well that just made his life a whole lot easier. He grunted a bit as he sat up, keeping one arm around Da Qiao as to not disturb her (and face her wrath), and set about re-dressing himself, wondering where the hell his underwear had gone.

* * *

><p><em>Sometime later…<em>

"Chao, I'm making Tuna Helper, do you want any?" Zhao Yun called, banging on the wall that connected the bathroom to the kitchen.

"I'm practicing!" was his reply.

Zhao Yun wasn't so innocent-minded that his brain didn't immediately jump into the gutter upon hearing _that_. "Practicing for what!" he demanded, sounding shocked.

The door opened on the other side, and Zhao Yun actually feared what was about to befall his poor eyes, but Ma Chao was completely clothed and from the looks of him wasn't doing anything raunchy or irresponsible or whatever else. "Practicing," he repeated.

"I heard that," said Zhao Yun crossly, now convinced whatever Ma Chao was _practicing_ probably was going to involve him somehow (good thing it wasn't R-rated), and turning back to his hot pan on the stove. "Practicing for what?"

Ma Chao looked annoyed. "For when I tell my girlfriend I accidentally killed someone, that's what! I can't believe you've forgotten already! You're supposed to be my best friend! My confidant! My—"

"All right, all right," said Zhao Yun, holding his hands up in a placating manner, "I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to check out The Blog Of Justice, I'll be sure to catch up soon."

"Damn right you will," said Ma Chao, looking cheery. Then he fixed his face into an expression of horror (mixed with a bit of shock victim) and cleared his throat. "Xing Cai, I feel I must tell you this to remove the clouds of deceit from our loving relationship. I…" He paused. "There's really no proper way to word this, huh?"

"Chao, I don't care," Zhao Yun said, turning back to the stove.

"That's no way to talk to a friend," Ma Chao complained, checking his watch.

"Do you mind! The Casey Anthony trial is on!" said Ma Chao, wide-eyed as he dove for the remote. "Ohhh don't tell me I missed the recap I really don't want to assault my justice senses with _Nancy Grace_—"

"I would think someone who's afraid he's going to end up _arrested for killing someone_ would try to shy away from the murder trials," said Zhao Yun conversationably to his Helping Hand Oven Mitt (yes he sent in the eight box tops, a stamped and self-addressed envelope and 5.99 for processing and handling to get one of them and it was WORTH EVERY PENNY), "but that's Chao Logic for you."

"_Shhhhh_!"

* * *

><p>"What the hell are you reading?"<p>

"Some memoir of a Playboy model," said Gan Ning dismissively, tossing the book over his shoulder (very nearly killing Terry the Tarantula (who wasn't even supposed to be there considering he/she 'died' waaaaaaaay back in chapter 4, as devotees will remember). "Why!"

"No reason of concern, I've just never seen you willingly read a book before," Ling Tong answered, looking bored and leaning back on the couch. "Is the Casey Anthony trial all that's on TV!"

"I can't wait to use that line on my kids," said Gan Ning, propping his feet up on the empty beer crate he used as a ottoman, "y'know, '_clean your fucking room or I'll go all Casey Anthony on your ass_!'"

The look Ling Tong was giving him was not a new look, per say, as Gan Ning often said things that would get him arrested. But still. "That's sick," he said after a long moment.

"What? Me thinking of ways to threaten kids who haven't been born yet with death?" Gan Ning asked, "you try hanging out with Lu Xun and Guan Ping all day and I guaran-fucking-tee you'll think of a few gems!"

"I stand corrected. And disgusted," said Ling Tong, nodding gamely. "So what the hell happened? You get the barrel of Lu Xun's shotgun out of your ass yet?"

"So many poorly chosen words in one sentence," Zhou Yu commented, making Gan Ning jump and swear so loudly it almost made Nene appear (to spank the naughty language right out of Gan Ning's potty mouth).

"WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!" Gan Ning demanded.

"I've been here this whole time," Zhou Yu answered, looking annoyed.

"Hey, just because you moved into the same dorm as the main characters doesn't mean you're getting any extra screentime," said Ling Tong, "_anyway_, Ning, you were saying?"

"I think I forgot already," said Gan Ning, scratching his dumb head.

"Where's Sun Ce?" Zhou Yu asked suddenly.

"Who the hell brought up Sun Ce?" Gan Ning asked, snapping out of confusion temporarily, "I didn't even notice he wasn't _around_—I think your damn Sun Ce gay boyfriend radar is workin' overtime or something…"

Zhou Yu raised his eyebrows but otherwise showed no reaction. "Considering you're the one who woke up naked after a drunken romp in the sheets I would say that's a case of the pot calling the kettle black."

Gan Ning looked confused again. Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "He called you Sun Ce's butt buddy," he translated loudly, which made Gan Ning squawk again.

"I am not—we never did anything! (that you can prove!)" Gan Ning shouted, looking enraged, "this is why nobody likes you, Zhou Yu!"

"How can people not like me? I've had about eighteen minutes of screentime in this entire story and they have all been epic," Zhou Yu answered, pushing his reading glasses back up his nose (because glasses on Zhou Yu is even sexier than normal Zhou Yu), and smirking as he exited the scene.

* * *

><p><em>6:30PM<em>

Sun Ce had decided to be the gentleman his father had raised him to be and carry Da Qiao back to her apartment, but he had forgotten the business department was on the complete other side of the campus from Da Qiao's apartment. Ditto that he'd been shoved down a flight of stairs.

Of course he hadn't thought of this dilemma until he was about halfway across campus (with Da Qiao), and he didn't really want to risk ruining his manly reputation of calling for the campus bus to pick him up… so here he was, hauling his unusually heavy girlfriend across campus. Ouch.

"You did NOT weigh this much earlier or you woulda snapped my hip bones," Sun Ce grumbled, wondering how Da Qiao was sleeping so soundly still (considering he'd already dropped her twice), "dammit Da how much farther is your stupid—"

OH FINALLY HE WAS HERE. He considered dumping her on the front doorstep because he didn't have a key ANYWAY but right before he could knock (or headbutt the door, seeing as his hands were full), the door swung open so violently it almost smacked him across the face. (Instead, since his arms were full, the door hit Da Qiao in the face instead.)

"HELLO," said Xiao Qiao brightly, her smile huge, until of course she looked down from Sun Ce's incredibly handsome face down to her unconscious sister in his arms. "YOU KILLED MY SISTER!" she shrieked, looking horrified and balling her fists up, clearly preparing to attack.

"NOOOOOOO!" Sun Ce howled, almost throwing his arms up to defend himself but remembering Da Qiao (for once), "no, Xiao, she just fell asleep! On top of me! That's all~"

"Oh," said Xiao Qiao, looking mildly disappointed. "Well. Um. –wait, she _fell asleep_ on top of you? That's so lame!"

"I guess," said Sun Ce, "can I set her down? She's not heavy but it's like carrying something that weighs 90 lbs around for four hours—"

"Pansy!" said Xiao Qiao, stepping out of the way, "go on, just dump her on the couch!"

Sun Ce, grateful that he didn't have a little brother who trolled him the way Xiao Qiao trolled Da Qiao (JUST WAIT UNTIL SUN QUAN SHOWS UP, says the author, but Sun Ce can't hear the author and this was just a sad attempt at putting myself back into the story BYE BYE), set Da Qiao down on the couch as gently as a man who'd accidentally dropped her twice earlier could, and turned to Xiao Qiao. "So, uh…"

"So does this mean you guys are back together?" Xiao Qiao asked, blinking.

"I have no idea," said Sun Ce finally, scratching the back of his head.

* * *

><p><em>9:30PM<em>

Gan Ning had just suddenly remembered what he'd been meaning to tell Ling Tong off for all day, and jumped to his feet, stomping towards the kitchen, a man on a mission.

Sure enough, Ling Tong was in the kitchen, trying to detangle a large clump of spaghetti he had sitting in a pot of boiling water with two pairs of kitchen tongs. "Come on, you stupid noodles, do what I damn tell you to do—"

Gan Ning normally would've been amused by this, but his put-off rage was getting in the way, and he slammed his hand on the counter. "TONG!" he boomed.

"What," Ling Tong asked, not looking up from his spaghetti dissection.

"When's the last time you talked to Shang Xiang?"

"What?" Ling Tong asked, looking up in surprise. "Why?"

"Because," said Gan Ning, crossing his arms in what he thought looked badass (it didn't).

"Since I woke up with her hand in my pants like a month and a half ago," Ling Tong answered, eying him strangely, "why are you asking me this?"

"Oh no reason… except for the obvious you're being a damn prick and you should god damn call her, that's all!"

"What the hell does this have to do with you?" Ling Tong asked, "she stopped talking to _me, _after stupid Ce punched my face in and she told her folks not to invite my dad and me over for Christmas dinner. I wasn't all that aware she wanted to talk to me anyway!"

"Don't feed me that bull, you know she still likes you," Gan Ning answered and he couldn't quite explain why that sentence made him want to strangle Ling Tong with the spaghetti. "Would it kill you to call her or something? You guys have been friends for all this time and you're gonna blow it over something stupid?"

"This whole stupid _friends with benefits_ thing was her idea, don't blame it on me," Ling Tong grumbled.

"You made it sound like you enjoyed it!"

"I did! I had no problem with having sex with her, it's just when she got all…" Ling Tong began making various gestures with his hands to illustrate his point, "commit-y… is when I got freaked out. This kind of shit isn't healthy and it's not fair to her."

"Oh, there you go again, acting like you're the good guy," said Gan Ning, attempting to sneer but mostly just looking like he had one hell of a booger.

"You try waking up with her hand in your pants a few times and see how much of a commitment you want to sign up for," Ling Tong answered, going back to his spaghetti.

Gan Ning had to stop himself from thinking that actually didn't sound so bad. WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH HIM?

* * *

><p>A couple boring scenes in this one, but this is mostly just wrapping up stuff from the last story… stuff I'm trying to retcon, in other words. Bear with me!<p> 


	3. That's What She Said

These chapters are taking me a lot longer to bang out than I thought. Trying to update a bit quicker (or at least include some more stuff).

Anyway, onto chapter 3, enjoy :D

* * *

><p>Xiao Qiao didn't have a morning class today, so it was rare that she was up this early. Still, she was, and she decided to get her metabolism raring with a big healthy breakfast.<p>

As she poured herself a bowl of Fruit Loops, she heard something that sounded like a thump. And then a…

She wasn't sure, but if she had to bet, she would have guessed it was a…

She blushed suddenly and turned the volume up on the TV. _Gross_!

"What are you—hey, stop right there, I'm in charge! You have to do what I say!"

"Oh, you want to be in charge, huh? What are you gonna do with me now that you got me all… tied up?"

Xiao Qiao covered her ears with her left hand and her shoulder as she fumbled about looking for the couch. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW she did NOT want to hear her sister having sex first thing in the—

"Oh, god, Da Qiao! Right there! Oh man!"

Xiao Qiao gave up the ghost and stuffed her head underneath the couch cushions. Screw the TV, just as long as she didn't have to listen to her sister screwing—

"Ceeeeeee—no, no! Stop it! Ce! Ohhhhhhh—"

This is a bad dream and I'm going to wake up any minute now, Xiao Qiao told herself, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to think of anything but. Think of the most unsexy thing in the world! Think of… think of…

"Ce! No! I said I wanted to be on top, I said it!"

"Good luck pushing me over!"

"I'll get you for this, you—OW!"

"Ow?"

"Yes, ow, that hurt!"

"How could it have hurt? You still sore from yesterday?"

Xiao Qiao groaned. Then apparently they were able to establish a rhythm and the sound of her sister's breathless moaning and Sun Ce's happy grunting were all Xiao Qiao could hear, and she fled the room for the kitchen. MERCY!

* * *

><p>Xiao Qiao heard the shower squeak as it was turned on, and gave a sigh of relief. Maybe it was over.<p>

Then she heard footsteps slapping on the floor (the acoustics in this apartment really were first-rate) and OH GOD NO HER SISTER WAS GIGGLING AGAIN AND SUN CE WAS LAUGHING IN AN EVIL SEXY WAY OH NO

_How much sex can they possibly be planning on having?_ Xiao Qiao thought to herself, turning the TV and her iPod speakers up at maximum.

* * *

><p>It was quiet enough to return to the living room, and the younger Qiao sister was enjoying catching up on The Real Housewives of New York when she heard the door open, and close, behind her.<p>

"Hi," she said loudly.

The person behind her jumped. "Son of a—oh, Xiao," Sun Ce gasped from behind her.

Xiao Qiao raised her arm and waved indifferently, not moving from her place slumped on the couch.

"Fuck. You, ah, didn't hear anything this morning, right? Strange noises in here. Thought I heard a ghost this morning," said Sun Ce, shaking his hand.

"Oh I didn't hear a thing, Ce, don't worry," Xiao Qiao chirped in a tone of false cheer.

Sun Ce let out a sigh of relief.

"Except for the sound of you and my sister _doing things_," Xiao Qiao added, and Sun Ce groaned.

The younger Qiao sister snorted. "Whaaaaaat, did you really think I would sleep through that? You guys are gross."

"Hey, I swear I slept on the couch, I heard her groaning in her sleep and I went to check on her," Sun Ce said defensively. "She was having a bad dream, I woke her up with… a song."

"Uh huh," said Xiao Qiao. She didn't believe that bullshit for a second but she wasn't about to ask him to elaborate, because EW. "So, uh, are you guys, like, back together now?"

Sun Ce groaned and flopped on the couch.

"Lemme rephrase that. Am I gonna have to listen to you two… _do stuff_ every day now? Cause I'll move out!" said Xiao Qiao warningly.

"Nah, it's not like that," said Sun Ce, "I think it's just the novelty, she'll remember she's sick of me soon enough and that'll be the end of that." He looked gloomy enough for Xiao Qiao to feel sorry for him.

"Are you hungry?" she offered, and Sun Ce perked up immediately.

* * *

><p>"She really loves you, you know," said Xiao Qiao over breakfast.<p>

Sun Ce blinked, surprised by the sudden revelation. "She tell you that?" he asked, swallowing a mouthful of pancake.

"Only a million times," said Xiao Qiao, rolling her eyes, "but… since she broke up with you, she seems so sad and distant now. It's like whenever she's not immediately involved with something, she's thinking about you."

Sun Ce was quiet for so long Xiao Qiao couldn't stand the curiosity any longer. "What are you gonna do?" she asked, tapping on the table to get his attention.

"Do whatever I have to to get her back," said Sun Ce firmly, "if she's all insecure about stuff than it's my job to make her secure, right? Talk some confidence into that pretty head of hers and all that."

Xiao Qiao smiled brightly. "So you're going to try? Yay! Go get her!" she cheered.

"I plan to," Sun Ce said, grinning, "and she knows I like a challenge!" He looked back at Xiao Qiao, looking somewhat serious. "Thanks Xiao. You got me back on the saddle!"

"No prob," said Xiao Qiao, waving her hand, "anything to make Sis stop moping!"

Sun Ce looked hesitant. "I know, but it probably can't be easy helping—"

"Helping the guy I like get back together with my sister?" Xiao offered, her smile a bit sad.

Sun Ce's jaw dropped in surprise. "But—"

"Ah, just stop it already. Ce, I liked you so much when you started dating Da. I mean, I was only 13, but… it's okay, really! You and my sister are made for each other!" She flicked a piece of pancake at him. "If me and you were together then who would make Sis have fun?"

Sun Ce still had that same expression on his face. Xiao Qiao sighed and stood up on her tiptoes to look at him properly (freakishly tall!). "Go find her and stop giving me that face," she said firmly. "I won't have you feeling guilty about loving Da just because you want some Qiao threesome!"

Sun Ce laughed. "You got it," he told her, giving her hand a squeeze, "I'll see you around, okay Xiao?"

Xiao Qiao grinned and nodded, but her eyes widened in surprise as Sun Ce leaned closer. He brushed his lips across hers in a quick kiss, then he pulled away and turned to leave with a smile.

Xiao Qiao waited until the door closed before her legs gave out and she toppled over onto the floor, melted into a happy puddle of Sun Ce-induced goo. She hugged herself, touched her lips, and felt a big silly smile overtake her face. If only Sun Ce had a clone…

Then the sound of a door opening and closing snapped Xiao Qiao out of her squee, and she sat up. "There you are!" she said, spotting her sister (who wore both an expression of bliss and guilt on her lovely face). "I thought you were sleeping, Sis!"

"I _was_ sleeping," said Da Qiao, "until Ce came into my room and hummed the tune of Jaws as he crawled underneath my bedsheets and before I knew it his mouth was doing all _sorts _of wicked things to my upper thighs, but I won't continue, you're not old enough to hear this!"

"Actually I think I'm all grown up now," said Xiao Qiao, feeling certain her face was a lovely shade of green. "Sis, he's in love with you, why won't you get back together with him?"

Da Qiao blushed. "He's not in love with me! He's just using me for sex!"

"Noooo, that's not true, you're the one who forced yourself on him," said Xiao Qiao, shaking her head. "And Ce already told me everything!"

"Then why are you even asking me?" Da Qiao huffed, going to the fridge and taking out the carton of orange juice.

"Because I like to gloat," Xiao Qiao responded promptly.

Da Qiao scowled at her. "Yes, well, it was a mistake and it won't happen again!"

"You sure sounded like you liked it," said Xiao Qiao, shaking her head.

Da Qiao blushed again. "Why were you eavesdropping anyway!"

"That is the biggest load of—I wasn't EAVESDROPPING, I was—eavespickingup!" said Xiao Qiao defensively.

"That's not a word!"

"Well it should be!"

"Stop badgering me, you're harshing my morning mellow, Xiao!"

"Hmmm, wouldn't want to call Sun Ce back for another romp, huh~ So when are you getting back together?" Xiao Qiao chirped, twirling a piece of her hair around her finger.

Da Qiao said nothing. Instead she stared into her bowl of cereal as if it had all the answers.

Xiao Qiao huffed and put her hands on her hips. "You're so wishy-washy, sis. When are you just gonna do what you want to do? You're gonna have to do something about something sometime, y'know!"

"That almost made sense," Da Qiao mused.

"Hey! Don't ignore me, Sis! You know I'm right!"

* * *

><p>"I don't know who the hell is at the door this early but you had better be dying," Ling Tong grumbled balefully as he opened the door to his dorm. He blinked with surprise seeing Sun Shang Xiang standing there, holding something behind her back and playing with her earring with her free hand. "Oh. Hey."<p>

"Hi," said Sun Shang Xiang, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "Um, my brother's not here, is he?"

"Actually I don't think he is, I would've heard him snoring by now," said Ling Tong thoughtfully. "I'm gonna hedge a guess and say no. What's up?"

Sun Shang Xiang groaned. "I was hoping he'd be here… I have something to give him," she said, holding up a pair of pink panties.

Ling Tong wrinkled his nose. "Do I want to know?"

"They're his lucky undies, don't ask me, I don't know, I think our mom gave them to me by accident, I don't think he wears them!" Sun Shang Xiang explained in a rush, making a face.

Ling Tong eyed the undies with great dislike. "Um. Mind if I, uh, get a pair of tongs for those? Or perhaps a Hazmat suit? I do _not_ want to touch those."

"You and me both!" Sun Shang Xiang complained.

Ling Tong seemed to think of something, and offered her a quick grin before disappearing back into his dorm. Then he returned triumphantly with a plastic bag. "In it goes," he said, holding it open and tying it firmly closed after Sun Shang Xiang dropped the panties in. "And now that that's an unpleasant memory, what did you _really _come over for?"

"How did you know?" Sun Shang Xiang demanded, looking surprised. "I mean, those _are _for Ce, but—"

Ling Tong crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the door frame. "You're an open book. So what's up?"

Sun Shang Xiang rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "I don't know how to say this," she said, looking at the ground as she chewed her lower lip, "but… I miss you. Being friends, I mean. And I know what happened last semester was bad, but we were being dumb and maybe getting caught was a good thing? Before we did something dumb and ruined our friendship?"

Okay fine so she'd watched _No Strings Attached_ before coming over here, Ling Tong had only seen the movie once and recognized the speech, but her intentions were clearly pure and admittedly he'd missed her too. He grinned. "Well I dunno about you, but we seem to be having a plenty normal conversation… Sun Ce's underwear fetishes aside, I mean," he added, and Sun Shang Xiang laughed.

"So we're cool?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, a hopeful smile creeping across her face.

Ling Tong snorted and held his arms out. "C'mere," he said, and Sun Shang Xiang grinned before hugging him tightly around his waist. "I should've talked to you," he added, remembering Gan Ning's displeasures from the night before, "I'm sorry, Shang Xiang, I kind of botched this on my own. You didn't do anything."

"Ah, shut up, don't get all sappy on me," said Sun Shang Xiang gruffly, giving him a light shove before following it up with a smile. "That being said, now that I'm here I might as well raid your fridge, I'm hungry and I haven't eaten since yesterday when Ning took me out to lunch and made me pay. Please tell me you guys have food!"

"We do, but I'd suggest eating before Ce gets back, he tends to EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT," grumbled Ling Tong, "and since he lives here now I can't stop him or make him put money in the tip jar like I used to."

"Good luck keeping anything under wraps," said Sun Shang Xiang, making her way towards the kitchen.

"I've already got a plan, I'm moving all of Zhou Yu's stuff to the front of the fridge and keeping my stuff hidden behind the lettuce. Ce won't touch lettuce, he still thinks it was engineered by aliens in a government-created-plot to resurrect the dinosaurs, so it's safe," said Ling Tong cheerfully, "once Zhou Yu gets angry enough, he'll explode, Sun Ce'll be terrified of the explosion and that'll make him behave."

"Either that or the explosion will fascinate him and he'll want to do it again and again," Sun Shang Xiang pointed out.

"Hence why I looked into the Pavlovian study. Every time a dog hears a noise, it gets a treat. Well in this case, every time Sun Ce hears the squeak of the fridge, I smack him upside the head," answered Ling Tong.

"Does that really work?" Sun Shang Xiang asked curiously.

Ling Tong shrugged. "Next time you see Gan Ning, play Ringtone 2 on a Verizon-brand phone for him. He'll scream. Speaking of which, I'm running late, so if you want you can just stay here, Zhou Yu and Gan Ning are still in bed so they can lock up behind you. Or they can _not_ lock up and be attacked or something. Can't say I care, I'll get my two-bedroom suite back. Bye-bye!"

"Did he seriously leave me alone in a room full of food?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, grinning as she surveyed the fridge. Who said only Sun Ce was the gluttonous member of the Sun Family?

* * *

><p>"Mr. Ling. You're late, although I suppose I should be grateful you made it in the first place," said Dr. Zhuge coolly, eying Ling Tong.<p>

Ling Tong sighed. "Should I even be surprised you're teaching this lab instead of a T.A.?"

"I would explain but there are other students taking this course who do not require rudimentary basics to be repeated to them constantly," Dr. Zhuge answered. "Kindly take a seat, unless you have more insignificant banter to add."

Grumbling under his breath, Ling Tong ignored his fellow classmates staring at him with mild amusement (assholes, like THEY had never been late before?) and noticed Toshiie Maeda waving to him and pointing at a seat. In the corner. Alone.

Hoping panic wasn't evident on his face, Ling Tong offered a weak grin and inched as close to Toshiie as he could without committing… then a girl yawned, and Ling Tong noticed the very empty seat next to her. Of course she was on the other side of the room so he wouldn't be able to get over there without Toshiie noticing him, but it was best to do this in a subtle way…

He jumped over one of the lab tables, nearly sprinted to the empty seat at the hot chick's table, and almost set off the gas taps from the force he threw his backpack down. The girl jumped, looked at him, and her eyes widened a bit. Ling Tong offered her a grin in response (while poor Toshiie pouted).

"Hey lab buddy," Ling Tong said under his breath. The girl shifted in her seat and glanced at him from where she had her head in her hand, and smiled back.

* * *

><p>The girl—Kai Narita—was on the sink, her arms wrapped around Ling Tong's neck and her legs around his waist. Ling Tong's arm was around her back and his free hand was holding her face.<p>

So nice having the handicapped restroom free to make out in. They'd never have made it back into either of their dorms.

Kai's fingers were in his hair, her tongue was in his mouth, and Ling Tong was really happy he hadn't dropped this class as he slanted his mouth over hers. Then there was a loud bang on the door and they both separated, looking irritated.

"It's always something," Ling Tong complained, sighing.

"Oh god busted," Kai whined, looking worried.

"S'not like they can sue us for obscuring handicapped rights, all the other stalls were taken," said Ling Tong distractedly, smoothing his hair down. "God damn it though, this person better not have any legs at all—" He opened the door and looked disgusted. "You've got to be joking!"

"Get out!" said Masamune Date, looking outraged. "You're hardly handicapped, unless you mean _mentally_ handicapped, and I don't see that on the sign!"

"Come off it, squirt," Ling Tong answered, highly annoyed, "then if you're so handicapped, what's wrong with you? Let's see some paperwork! Disability insurance, handicapped license, c'mon now. Is being a midget a handicap?"

Masamune was seething by now, and he wordlessly pointed to the eyepatch.

Ling Tong snorted. "Big whoop, you're a pirate. Now get out of my way, you—OH MY GOD! SON OF A BITCH!"

"Tong what the hell OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE SICK!" Kai shrieked, covering her eyes with one hand and her mouth with the other, "oh god oh god oh GOD—"

"Cover that thing up!" Ling Tong shouted, hands pressed firmly over his own eyes, "oh son of a bitch I'm going to see my breakfast again god _damn it_—"

Masamune secured his eyepatch back over his empty gaping eyesocket and smirked. "If you'll excuse me," he sneered, and pushed past them both, slamming the handicapped restroom door behind them.

"I didn't know being a Cyclops was a damn disability," Ling Tong growled, blinking furiously as if he was trying to clean the memory from where it was burned into his eyes.

"It had god damn well better be," answered Xiahou Dun, who was passing.

Ling Tong sighed.

Kai grabbed his hand and grinned weakly up at him. "Not that I think you have any, ah, urges after what we just saw, but… walk me to my dorm?"

"No gaping eyesocket in the world is going to make me turn that down," Ling Tong said agreeably.

* * *

><p>"The hell are you doing?" Gan Ning asked in greeting.<p>

"Hello to you too," answered Sun Ce.

Gan Ning made a face. "Hello. Que the fuck are you doing to the Wii?"

"Apparently if you open your Wii and pour maple syrup inside it, you can play rare Japanese-only games. This is also false," complained Sun Ce, "but I didn't realize this until the Wii was all sticky. So now I get to clean it up before Tong gets home and craps his pants."

"HOW STUPID ARE YOU!" Gan Ning shouted, "why the HELL would you even consider that to work! WHY! WHAT WENT WRONG IN YOUR BRAIN!"

"If that's not the case of the pot calling the kettle black," Zhou Yu began, but nobody was really paying attention (nor had they noticed he was in this scene _anyway_).

Sun Ce picked up the Wii and brandished it threateningly. "I got at least 6lbs of hardware right here, bub, s'about all this thing's good for anyway!" he said. Then he suddenly seemed to realize something, and he grinned. "I don't have time for this, I gotta get me to a store. Tong'll never know the new Wii isn't his Wii!"

"He will when the Miis are gone," Gan Ning pointed out, scowling, "y'know that the Wii has an internal memory, right?"

"FUCK," shouted Sun Ce, dropping the Wii in his rage. "FUCK!"

"Speaking of that," said Gan Ning, "where the hell were you all night?"

"Did you miss me?" Sun Ce asked, perking up a bit.

"I didn't miss your snoring," Gan Ning answered, skirting the question. "You finally getting over Da Qiao?"

"Nah, I was at her place last night," answered Sun Ce, picking up the Wii and making a face at his sticky hands. "I would tell you what we did but Da twisted my nipple until I swore I wouldn't tell anyone and WE FINALLY HAD SEX HOLY SHIT I FINALLY FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND AND IT WAS AWESOME," he finished in an excitable rush. "WOOHOO!" He pumped his fists in the air and the Wii went flying again. "Oh for the love of—why don't I just smash this thing and get it the hell over with!"

Gan Ning looked impressed. "You finally got into her pants, huh? How was it?"

"I'm not going to divulge private matters with you, what me and my beloved do behind closed doors is none of your concern," Sun Ce answered snootily, before predictably getting excited and blabbing anyway. "She pushed me down a flight of stairs and kind of sort of raped me it probably woulda been rape if I didn't like it so damn much but anyway she started cryin' or whatever, dunno _why_, doesn't really do much for my ego when the girl starts bawling right after she rolls off me—but anyway turns out she was sad 'cause she thought I would be mad at her for having her way with me—I know, right! Like hell, feel free any time!—and when I told her I wasn't mad, then she got this awesome sexy as hell gleam in her eye and we did it again until she fell asleep and I brought her back to her place and—"

"BREATHE," Gan Ning shouted, and Sun Ce inhaled deeply before continuing.

"AAAAAAANYWAY I brought her back to her place and she grabbed me and dragged me down on top of her again and we actually got to do it the _normal_ way in a bed and stuff and blah blah blah then I told her I love her and she got all mad and threatened to kick me out buuuut she didn't and I stayed there. Then she did kick me out to sleep on the couch as to not arouse her sister's suspicions, I slept on the couch, went in to check on her this morning, gave her the blowjob of a lifetime, and we did it a few more times. In the shower. Been a loooooong time since I got any in the shower!" Sun Ce exhaled and grinned triumphantly.

"So you're telling me you had sex FIVE TIMES since I saw you last!" Gan Ning demanded, looking both annoyed and impressed. "Holy shit, so that's why you're the boss!"

"Damn right," said Sun Ce, grinning. Then his grin fell. "Except I don't think she ever wants to see me again, but that's never stopped me before…"

"Five times? You got the bug in her, man, she's not gonna be able to stop thinking about you," said Gan Ning, grinning. Then his grin fell off too. "And maybe she liked sex so much she… hasn't been able to stop thinking about it… and she follows you around sniffing your scent, and calling you every fifteen seconds, and texting naked pictures of herself, and…"

"Something tells me this isn't about me," Sun Ce complained, before dropping the Wii on the ground and stomping on it. "Hell yeah! That felt good."

"And you just destroyed any chance of getting the internal memory out too, nice job," said Gan Ning, shaking his head.

Sun Ce made a D: face. "Tong'll get over it, his dad had higher scores in everything anyway," he said firmly.

"Riiiiiight," said Gan Ning, rolling his eyes. "Anyway I almost forgot what I was gonna ask you. You free for the afternoon? I gotta take a drive to Orlando to pick up a check for something, and I forgot that I let Tong use my ride because I was 33 percent responsible for totaling his old Camaro last year. So can I use your truck?"

"And who's gonna get Tong a new Wii? We can't owe him two pieces of expensive machinery, we're already his respective bitches for the car," complained Sun Ce.

"If you let me drive up there and pick up this check I'll buy you a thousand Wiis to give to Tong! Help me out here!"

"Sorry," said Sun Ce, jumping to his feet and grabbing his keys off the side table, running out the door before Gan Ning could grab him.

"YOU'LL BE SORRY!" Gan Ning shouted.

* * *

><p>"Y'know, for someone who used to be my best friend, you sure aren't being very supportive of me lately," Xing Cai complained.<p>

Guan Ping looked pained as he struggled to drink his juice box without a bendy straw. "You'll have to forgive me for not wanting to squeal over your boyfriend, Xing Cai, I didn't have the best holiday, y'know. I barely got any sleep and now with the—situation—going on, I don't have much free time."

Xing Cai looked at him, resting her cheek in her hand. "Why? What happened?"

"My brother's body was found, that's what!" Guan Ping whined, looking upset, "remember he went missing around November?"

"Oh, yeah," said Xing Cai, nodding. "Did he tell you where he was all that time?"

"He was DEAD!"

"Oh. OH!" said Xing Cai, looking alarmed, "Ping, I'm so sorry, I-"

"Had no idea?" Guan Ping prompted.

Xing Cai looked affronted. "Well, no!"

"That's because ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS MAKE OUT WITH MA CHAO!" Guan Ping accused, pointing at her.

"So what if I do?" Xing Cai demanded, looking annoyed and defensive all at once, "after you humiliated me during our video project you should be lucky I'm even talking to you!"

"What video project? You mean your _monologue_?"

"Don't say that, you're the one who suddenly bailed on doing the song at the last minute!"

"Pardon me if I didn't want to dress up like Captain Planet, Xing Cai!"

"You picked the costume out yourself and you said you liked it!"

Guan Ping sighed, holding his hands up. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry, Xing Cai. Let's not fight, okay? We're all we have."

Xing Cai nodded. "You're my best friend! I hate fighting with you. And it's actually quite foreign, because you've never stood up to me before..."

"I took a course on leadership," said Guan Ping brightly. "That and your dad can't find me here. Friends again?"

Xing Cai smiled. "Of course we are! And I really am sorry about Suo..."

Guan Ping waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, the hell with him, I always hated the guy. He thought he was soooo hot. And now I'm the only son! Father will definitely pay attention to me now!"

"That's kind of sick," said Xing Cai.

"Perhaps. But what's done is done, right? Father's so distraught... he can't understand how the greatest cop in all of Florida could have let his only son die..." Guan Ping sighed.

"I don't understand it either, you would think a man like that would be able to protect his only child!" said Xing Cai, frowning.

"HE WASN'T AN ONLY CHILD!" Guan Ping whined. "What about me? _Me_! I exist too, y'know!"

"That's what I meant!" said Xing Cai hurriedly, "I mean, I'm an only child (well, the only child my father had with my mother, anyway) and my father's been able to protect me all these years, right?"

"I don't know, Xing Cai," said Guan Ping thoughtfully, "you are rather terrifying when you want to be..."

Xing Cai looked offended. "I am not!"

"Remember neuter-fest?"

"Oh, right. Well, okay. There was that one time." Xing Cai reached over and squeezed Guan Ping's shoulder. "Well, it's all water under the bridge now, right? You'll always have me as your friend, even if your dad forgets you exist every now and then!"

"That sounds so much nicer when you say it that way," said Guan Ping, smiling dreamily at her. "I don't know how I've made it through these past few months without you, Xing Cai."

"I would say something along those lines, but Ma Chao's pecs kind of erase any feelings of loneliness," said Xing Cai, holding her arms out for a hug.

"Won't Ma Chao get upset if he sees you in the arms of another man?" Guan Ping asked, looking hesistant.

"Another man? Who would that be?" said Xing Cai, looking puzzled. "Even though he has been acting _weird _lately, he might just start imagining things…"

Guan Ping mentally groaned but cut his losses and threw his arms around Xing Cai. "So you'll break up with Ma Chao and we'll be in love forever?" Guan Ping asked, breathing in the smell of her hair (boy was he glad she had decided to start bathing again).

"Huh?" Xing Cai asked.

"Nothing, nothing~"

* * *

><p>"What <em>are<em> you doing?"

Gan Ning leaned backwards in his chair until he met the angry blue eyes of his supervisor. "Whaddaya want, Cao Peacock?"

"Cao Peacock. Very clever. You've been hanging out with Sun Ce and you've discovered my childhood nickname," Cao Pi answered, looking annoyed. "More to the point, in case you haven't noticed, it's Battle of Chi Bi down there and people are doing whatever it takes to get on these rides. Go down there and calm them down."

Gan Ning snorted. "You mean to say people are dumb enough to try and get on a steel roller coaster in a god damned thunderstorm? Let 'em die! Nature vs. nurture!"

Cao Pi shoved Gan Ning's feet off the control panel and glared at him. "Listen up, fool. I did not accept that transfer notice from Ginchiyo Tachibana just to add one more slacker to my ranks. You either go down there and calm those idiots down, or so help me god I'll kill all of you, even the little puny people down below who—"

"Hand's on the intercom button," Gan Ning interrupted loudly.

Cao Pi had the good graces to look almost flustered as he looked down at the people below, now calm and staring, wide-eyed, up at the college student who'd just threatened to kill them all. "I'm rehearsing for a play, it's a remake of Hamlet, this guy is being a lousy Ophelia," he said loudly, then unplugged the intercom as he reared on Gan Ning once more.

"Looks like I did all the work for you," he began, and realized Gan Ning wasn't paying attention. "What the hell are you doing? Pay attention when your superiors are speaking to you!" he ordered, looking annoyed.

"Sorry boss, Plants vs Zombies just patched itself automatically on my iPhone, 'm a bit distracted," Gan Ning answered.

"Oh really? Plants vs Zombies? May I?" Cao Pi held his hand out for the phone. Gan Ning shrugged and offered it to him. Cao Pi took the iPhone and threw it out the open window with all his might. Not even a moment later, there was the sound of a fleshy impact, followed by the sound of someone swearing.

Gan Ning stared out the window as if he couldn't believe his brand new piece of expensive technology had just sailed through it moments before. He gripped the back of the chair, his knuckles whitening with the intensity of his grip, and he slowly turned his head to snarl at Cao Pi. "You just crossed the line," he got out through gritted teeth, stepping towards Cao Pi with his fists clenched, murder in his eyes.

"Attack me and I'll write you up faster than you can say UNNGHHHH! LET GO OF MY HAIR!" Cao Pi shouted, but promptly had bigger problems as Gan Ning smashed his face into the control panel repeatedly.

(Meanwhile the people down below were screaming in terror as the coasters were sent out of the station with unbuckled seats and unsuspecting guests, but that was for the security team and the Customer Service department to sort out.)

"YOU SON OF A BITCH! You owe me a new phone, you stupid prick and if I have to beat your credit card information out of you well I sure as hell am gonna god damn fucking enjoy it!" Gan Ning was shouting, still trying to slam Cao Pi into the wall (having grown bored with the sound Cao Pi's face made when it was smashing into the control panel).

"Over my dead body!" Cao Pi managed, getting a punch into Gan Ning's gut and sending the other man reeling backwards into the table.

Gan Ning swore loudly as half a Pepsi spilled over his head, but Cao Pi had crossed the line and would be punished. "Over your dead body, eh? That can be arranged!"

Cao Pi snarled and crouched down in a martial arts stance. Gan Ning did the same. The duel to the death in the tiny control room was cut short when there was a sudden knock on the door, and both warriors faltered.

"You get it," Gan Ning ordered, and Cao Pi scratched his nose with his middle finger before opening the door.

"Gentle folk of the amusement park, might I remind you that this sign reads _Employees Only_, and as you do not appear to be an employee, I will have to ask you to leave," Cao Pi began.

Like most people, the man ignored Cao Pi and held out Gan Ning's iPhone. "Found this," he grunted. "Actually it hit me in the head, but… there ya go."

Gan Ning swore loudly (with glee) snatched the phone, and cradled it to his chest protectively. "And it's not busted or anything! Hell yeah," he said, nodding to the guy. "Thanks!" Then he paused. "You didn't do anything to it, did you?"

The guy snorted. "What, to that dinosaur? The iPhone 7 comes out next week, why would I bother with that thing? I'm well stocked on paperweights. See ya!"

Cao Pi shut the door behind him and turned back to Gan Ning, tying a strip of his shirt around his forehead like a samurai bandana. "Shall we pick up where we left off—oh, you sniveling pansy, just buy the new iPhone when it comes out!"

"I like this one!" Gan Ning retorted. "I just got all my shit synced up to this piece of crap and now I gotta go out and buy a new one or look like an idiot with last week's technology? Hell no! What the hell am I going to do!"

Cao Pi mouthed something that looked like 'First World Problems', which would be the finest case of the Pot Calling The Kettle Black that this story has ever seen, but the narration digresses.

Gan Ning scowled and pocketed his iPhone. "I guess we got no reason to scrap now," he said, looking almost disappointed.

"True, the humiliation you'll suffer bearing last week's technology is revenge enough for what you almost did to my face," Cao Pi answered, examining his reflection in the shiny doorknob. "If I bruise, I'll see that you're strung up by your ankles, you stupid—"

"Son of a bitch," said Gan Ning, having accidentally glanced down below at the guests (in other words, having accidentally carried out one of the responsibilities of his job). "Son of a bitch. Code red! Code red!"

"What the hell does code red mean again? Person with no leg trying to get on the ride?" Cao Pi asked, looking confused. "Damn it, where is that binder when I need it—"

"No, not the freaking midgets trying to get on the ride, you idiot! Look!"

Cao Pi peered over the edge of the panel, and his blue eyes widened in a comical expression of horror at the sight of the coaster trains all smashed together. And if that wasn't bad enough, several guests had decided to be heroes and rescue the poor guests still trapped in their seats, while everyone else was mostly just screaming.

"How did we not hear that!" he demanded, whirling on Gan Ning.

Gan Ning shrugged. "You're the boss around here," he said, his eyes glinting with evil.

"Amusing, yes. Now go be useful for once and calm those people down!" Cao Pi ordered.

Gan Ning grinned, shoving his hands in his pockets and turning on his heel towards the door. "Nope, I go on lunch in fifteen minutes, boss. Don't bitch at me, now! This is part o' your job description! Y'know, all that shit you were just lecturing me about? Something about… _paying attention when superiors are speaking to me_?"

"Don't turn your back on me!" Cao Pi shouted, before throwing the empty Pepsi cup at Gan Ning's retreating back. He swore loudly and turned back to the intercom. "People of Adventure Archipelago! This is your better speaking! Calm down and I will ensure everything returns to a smooth, organized manner!"

The pandemonium below did not stop, and Cao Pi swore again. "Oh, so you idiots can hear me when I say something unpleasant, but when I'm trying to save your lives you ignore me? FINE! It's your funeral." He thought for a second, and grinned. "People of Adventure Archipelago! It is my sincere regret to inform you that all attractions are now closed. Forever. Go home."

Still pandemonium. Exhaling deeply with rage, Cao Pi grabbed the megaphone and leaned out of the control panel. "ZOMBIES! RUN FOR YOUR VERY LIVES!" he bellowed.

And as the gentle folk of Adventure Archipelago screamed and ran for their lives in fear of the imminent zombie apocalypse, Cao Pi sat back in his comfy wheelie chair and smiled. They were finally listening to him. Excellent.

* * *

><p>Sun Ce was in the middle of class, bored silly as the professor droned on and on and on and on and on about—actually he wasn't too sure. Something to do with the syllabus. Or was it syllabi? There sure were enough pages for it to be a syllabi… he picked up the syllabus and flipped through it gamely, trying to figure out why he'd taken a Chinese history class anyway.<p>

Subjects include… Sun Ce skimmed the first part, curious as to whether or not he had to buy a textbook. Something about the Qin dynasty was up first, and the subject of a "Great Conqueror" named Xiang Yu looked interesting, but—

Then his phone buzzed. Sun Ce fished his phone out of the pocket of his shorts (even in Florida winter it was still way too hot for pants) and checked.

It was Da Qiao.

Curious, he hit Read.

"_I need you right now!"_

Alarmed, Sun Ce leapt to his feet. "I'M COMING, BABY!" he shouted, hauling his things up in his arms not even taking the precious time to pack them—DA QIAO NEEDED HIM! WHAT IF SHE WAS IN TROUBLE!—and took off out the door in a sprint.

The professor sighed. That was the fourth time a student had done that today alone!

* * *

><p>Sun Ce kicked down the door of Da Qiao's dorm room (how did he know she was here? He had awesome boyfriend ESP, that and he could track her scent). "BABE!" he shouted, balling his fists and<p>

"CE!" Da Qiao gasped, looking surprised.

"Da! Get behind me! The assailant might still be in here and I won't let him see you in your towel!" Sun Ce ordered, all attack-mode and sexy ass-kicker and stuff, "come out wherever you are you son-of-a-bitch—"

"Ce, there's nobody here!" Da Qiao interrupted quickly, jumping in front of Sun Ce and putting her hands on his arm to calm him down. "You're going to wake the neighbors and I don't want them walking in here…"

"I left my laptop in class!" said Sun Ce, looking confused, "what do you want, then? You said it was urgent!"

"Booty call," Da Qiao explained, blushing.

Sun Ce's eyebrows shot up into his shaggy bangs. "_You serious_!"

"Don't make fun of me, I read about it on Urban Dictionary!" Da Qiao said defensively.

Sun Ce looked around the room, mock-thoughtful. "Well, I mean… I am already out here, so… and if someone steals my laptop I can always get a new one…" He looked her up and down, smirking. "I dunno what's gotten into you lately but I think I like the trend, babe."

Da Qiao grinned and dropped the towel.

* * *

><p>"So what the hell are you pissy about anyway?" Gan Ning asked, spinning around in his wheelie chair.<p>

Cao Pi ignored him, flipping through the pages in the Company Policies binder with a bit more force than necessary.

"I know you heard me, you just started flipping pages all pissy," Gan Ning added.

Cao Pi flipped a page so hard he tore it out, and he growled at the page and Gan Ning's smirking face. "It's none of your business," he said finally, scowling.

"It is if I gotta be stuck in this sweatbox with your pissy ass," Gan Ning answered, putting his feet up. "C'mon, Cao Pissant, spill. What could have your prissy panties so tightly in a wad?"

Cao Pi opened his mouth, closed it, and exhaled. He was quiet for a long moment, and then he spoke again. "My girlfriend and I have been having trouble lately. Again. We do more fighting than we do anything else nowadays, and I don't think we're going to make it. I don't want to lose her."

Gan Ning made a face. This kind of mushy stuff was not his forte, not one bit, but… if it meant Cao Pi'd get off his back, maybe he did have this in him. Time to be inspirational! Or… comforting! Or whatever!

"Would she keep coming back if she wasn't into you?" he asked finally. "I mean, somethin's got her comin' back, right? And unless you're packin', like, I dunno, a—"

"I know what you're about to say, don't," Cao Pi interrupted loudly—

"Right. Anyway… chicks like it when you fight for 'em. As long as you don't give up she's bound to give in eventually," said Gan Ning.

"Or file a restraining order," Cao Pi grumbled, resting his chin in his hand and looking at Gan Ning appraisingly.

"That's not the right attitude to have! God damn. She's still into you, if she wasn't, she'd have been done with your whiny ass along time ago," said Gan Ning, shaking his head.

Cao Pi raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what makes you the authority? I never realized you two associated."

Gan Ning's brain thought fast (as fast as it could think, anyway). If Cao Pi saw through his barrage of cheesy platitudes, then he, Gan Ning, was in the shit for making up bullshit to try and get his supervisor off his back. But on the other hand…

"I slept with her," Gan Ning said, holding up his hands in surrender. "We boned, couple months back I think, maybe around Christmas I reckon. Anyway she shouted your name when she came. Big screamer too, I was kinda pissed she did that but then I figured she was just using me 'cause she loved you so damn much. God damn but I know a woman in love when I see her, and—"

Gan Ning was so busy babbling he hadn't noticed the stormy expression on Cao Pi's face. Actually, he wasn't paying attention at all.

So when Cao Pi punched him clean across the face and sent him toppling out of his seat and crashing into the floor, unconscious, it came as quite a surprise.

* * *

><p>Too sleepy to proofread. Hopefully I didn't leave any cut-off sentences since I have a habit of missing those!<p>

Comments, suggestions, complaints, blah blah blah you know the drill I'd love to hear from you :)


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